Ever had cool ranch Doritos? I suppose my silver lining is that I did not eat the whole bag…yet. Some TEDtalk type thing, I heard a lady say the key to weight loss was owning/embracing the food you ate. If you ate the pint of ice cream, be happy you ate it. Embrace that it was delicious and you will naturally choose something else next time.

It’s this constant guilt that continues the cycle. If I’m not starving all day and having chicken n broccoli for dinner, I’m failing.

Damn it, for once I would like 5 minutes to myself. I realize I am jobless and that should allow for 24 hrs, but the needs of a 5 year old, quarantined at home with me, are never ending. We have been going for 12.5 hours and I just wanted what I call “my time” while he plays a little before bed and he won’t play anywhere but in my face! Now, because I yelled to get out, he’s laying in bed, no books or iPad, just staring at the ceiling like he’s the most abused and neglected child in the world. Let’s get something straight, he’s not.

I’m not going to finish the bag. I’m not done eating, but I’m not going to finish them. I really want cereal but I ate all that last night. If I eat something now, and finish by 8pm, then eating nothing else, I’ll be miles ahead of where I’ve been. Ya see, I’m an evening binge…er.

Have we talked about this before? Have I truly explained and owned just what binging means? It doesn’t have to be 3 McDonald’s meals for lunch. Binging means standing in front of the pantry picking up everything and taking handfuls, bites, fistfuls, etc of all of it. Not sitting, no drinks, no thoughts, just consumption. There is no satisfaction, no craving relief, no solved sweet tooth. Binging is the grossest combinations of food because you found them in the fridge and they’re ready and quick. Most of the food is shoveled before you sit back in bed but you’re sure to have that overflowing combo plate to go. Pickles and eggs, and PB on crackers. Cheese slices, a banana, and since you know how fast you can devour it all, an ice cream is fine to bring.

You know while standing there, food stuck on the corners of your mouth, full teddy grahams resting in your bra because they’ve fallen down your tank, that this is wrong. You will feel awful in the morning, bloated with indigestion, but you keep rummaging. What are you waiting for? At some point, stuffed and nauseous will give you pause but you will not cease. My mind during this rampage is jotting down little notes on post-its and filing them away in little compartments. Notes on my day, life, relationships, goals, failures. Nothing ever positive, just tiny quips to remind me how far I am from my view of happiness and success.

-Peace

The problem with starting something that you’ve done in the past is knowing, or at least being convinced you know, all the tricks. Is it that impossible for me to just surrender myself to the program? I spend more time dividing out weekly points, and managing zero point foods around chocolate covered pretzels that could be used just eating right and/or exercising.

Everyone wants quick results. I’m not thin and done after 15 pounds. I’m not massively obese where the first 100lbs is just going to melt off. I’m dead in the middle. I’ve got a solid 50lbs to lose, and I’d like to lose 80lbs. If I lost 50lbs, would that be enough for me to finally be strong enough to say NO to the late night binging? Say NO to the cool ranch doritos and mint chocolate chip ice cream? The weight is going to come off so slowly, saying no is the only way to get there so it’s gotta work!

I really hope this program is designed to tell people like me to shove it. Go ahead and eat potatoes all day and then 19pts worth of chocolate. See how long that lasts. Really though, If I piddle 3pts of exercise each day and use all my weekly points, I can have 28pts a day vs 19. That’s my scheme. It’s crazy that potatoes and pasta are 0 points. I’m not sure I’m going to lose anything next week between those and my terrible start.

We always panic at the last minute right? I’ve got 2 annual visits and I’m 30lbs heavier than the last time either one saw me. I can’t drop 30lbs in 2 weeks can I? No, that’s absurd. What I could be however is a hell of a lot closer if I had done this the right way from the start. Either way, that’s my motivation for the next 12 days, messed up or not.

-Peace

I broke. The kitchen became a mess, chores got behind, and the diet went out the window. I made it 6 1/2 days. I’m a failure, I am weak, I’m a disappointment, I’m embarrassed, and I am ashamed. I was too afraid to post on WW because when I failed, the world would know. I thought against making this blog and here we are with everyone knowing I’m a loser.

So we start again. Just like we have a million times over. We forgive ourselves, and we start fresh tomorrow. We take what’s left of the day and we make a plan. Maybe it’s not a whole plan, but it’s something a little better than before to help where we know we need it.

Blogging is keeping me from binging but it’s not enough. Something has me feeling so bored, anxious, and unsatisfied all at the same time. It gets harder as the day goes on so I know step 1 is saving the easy meals for later in the day. I’m also very new at all this time I have on my hands. I can’t fill it with food and it’s hard to enjoy a personal hobby with a 5 year old amoeba attached to you at all times. Alas, I will try. I will sign off, make a list, and get a plan together. I don’t have to follow it but I need that safety net to plummet into when I lose my grip.

We have a lot to talk about, but the sheer quantity of needs and thoughts will leave us in a mindless ramble, incomprehensible and downright frustrating to read.

-Peace

We all love watching those completely unrealistic and staged ‘my morning routine’ vlogs on YouTube. Most of us unsuccessfully attempt them on our own, usually failing on just the first day, not waking at the ridiculous 5am hour to meditate and cleanse our aura.

I have a pattern. Today I was prompted to look at that. Routine can be as simple as feeding the dog every morning. Now that’s just one item, and that is all it takes. One task, repeated for about 3 days, will have me crawling out of my skin and questioning my very existence on this planet. Is this all there is? Is this what I’m meant to be doing right now? Am I going to stand here in a robe with bunny slippers and a bad back and poor dog food in a bowl for the next 13 years? Is this my life?

Routine feels good! Until it doesn’t. It’s refreshing to make a cup of coffee and sit down to write each morning. Ethan is behaving, dog is fed, bed is made, the morning is happening like clockwork, and I feel calm and at peace. I could have make a killer vlog this morning. Today is day 2. Tomorrow I will go insane.

Do not go insane. Tomorrow is day 3. It is also the first weigh-in and marks my first week on WW. This event will add a pinch of salt or a dash of pepper, if you prefer (as I do), without changing the menu. Tomorrow we break the pattern and sustain the routine. Of course, if you don’t hear from me, one can assume I was unsuccessful, and thus hiding in my closet with a box of chocolate. Please send help.

-Peace

Soggy. That’s how the Weather Channel says this week is starting. I would normally take this season to sit in the sunroom and have my coffee (2pts with whip cream and chocolate sauce) but with soggy comes humidity so it’s just gross out there to be frank.

That’s how we got here today. I’m relaxing in front of you, at my desk, sipping the joe, thinking we should start with the “of course’s” that come along with starting a diet, or better referred to as ‘my adventure into a healthy lifestyle’. This is everything from the odd foods you crave, to the tempting ones that keep appearing in the house, to my son who is determined to drive me insane.

I can’t decide where to start. Of course I woke up to the 10th item of chocolate my husband has brought home from the store in the last five days. It’s only natural that this will be as hard as it possibly can be right? I’ve tried to type this paragraph about twenty times but of course my son is screaming in the background because I won’t let the dog inside. He’s never going to give me a minute to think is he? I need to figure out what to have for breakfast, and how many points it is, and what does that look like for the rest of the day, and I can’t get a clear thought together and OMG it’s only 9:30am!

Here’s what I’ve got on my side. I’m unemployed now after 14 years and we’re all quarantined for a pandemic. That’s my ‘no excuse’ for starting this. I have all the time the day has a to offer. If it takes me until 6pm to figure out what to have for breakfast, we’re going to be ok. Does that give me some sort of advantage over others trying to lose weight? Does a schedule, a job, sports, appointments, obligations, friends, etc hinder weight loss? All I know is that I’ve had all those things let’s say for all my 36 years and I’m still fat. I don’t want to discourage anyone, but maybe for ME, this is what is needed. Either way, I can’t possibly make any excuses for not taking the time to have a proper meal and certainly none for not exercising.

-Peace

It’s the evening of day 4. I know, how can I screw up the beginning of a website? I’m unprepared for all of this. I didn’t start on a Monday, weigh-in is Wednesdays, we know how this page is going so far, and it all feels….perfect. It is unbelievably refreshing to relinquish control of things.

We’re going on an adventure. Fat is just not working for me anymore so we’re trying something new. We’re gonna have a thigh gap. We’re gonna wear a crop top (appropriately), and damn it, I might just get the mail in my underwear if we’re feeling sassy enough one afternoon.

I will be here most nights clicking away. These are the times I struggle. There’s something both equal parts comforting and sickening about going to bed all stuffed in the tummy however, I have yet to feel so amazing empty that I can ‘see the light’ and stop wanting to gorge myself at 10pm. I clocked in at an aggressive 232 (I’m 5’7”). Today I woke at 225. Water weight I’m sure, but this is the stuff you remind yourself so you can go to bed ‘full’ in your heart.

“I don’t want to be a prisoner to tracking”. Look, I’m already obsessed with food, obviously. If we’re going to think about food all day, let’s think about it! Let’s thrive as the food addicts we are and just change the decisions. Wanna stuff your face? Ok! Eat 10 bananas. NEED that chocolate? Ok! You’re a rabbit until 6 then. I already think about my weight, body, and food every moment of the day. It might be nice to have those thoughts make me feel good instead of being lumps of regret and guilt.

-Peace