Ever had cool ranch Doritos? I suppose my silver lining is that I did not eat the whole bag…yet. Some TEDtalk type thing, I heard a lady say the key to weight loss was owning/embracing the food you ate. If you ate the pint of ice cream, be happy you ate it. Embrace that it was delicious and you will naturally choose something else next time.

It’s this constant guilt that continues the cycle. If I’m not starving all day and having chicken n broccoli for dinner, I’m failing.

Damn it, for once I would like 5 minutes to myself. I realize I am jobless and that should allow for 24 hrs, but the needs of a 5 year old, quarantined at home with me, are never ending. We have been going for 12.5 hours and I just wanted what I call “my time” while he plays a little before bed and he won’t play anywhere but in my face! Now, because I yelled to get out, he’s laying in bed, no books or iPad, just staring at the ceiling like he’s the most abused and neglected child in the world. Let’s get something straight, he’s not.

I’m not going to finish the bag. I’m not done eating, but I’m not going to finish them. I really want cereal but I ate all that last night. If I eat something now, and finish by 8pm, then eating nothing else, I’ll be miles ahead of where I’ve been. Ya see, I’m an evening binge…er.

Have we talked about this before? Have I truly explained and owned just what binging means? It doesn’t have to be 3 McDonald’s meals for lunch. Binging means standing in front of the pantry picking up everything and taking handfuls, bites, fistfuls, etc of all of it. Not sitting, no drinks, no thoughts, just consumption. There is no satisfaction, no craving relief, no solved sweet tooth. Binging is the grossest combinations of food because you found them in the fridge and they’re ready and quick. Most of the food is shoveled before you sit back in bed but you’re sure to have that overflowing combo plate to go. Pickles and eggs, and PB on crackers. Cheese slices, a banana, and since you know how fast you can devour it all, an ice cream is fine to bring.

You know while standing there, food stuck on the corners of your mouth, full teddy grahams resting in your bra because they’ve fallen down your tank, that this is wrong. You will feel awful in the morning, bloated with indigestion, but you keep rummaging. What are you waiting for? At some point, stuffed and nauseous will give you pause but you will not cease. My mind during this rampage is jotting down little notes on post-its and filing them away in little compartments. Notes on my day, life, relationships, goals, failures. Nothing ever positive, just tiny quips to remind me how far I am from my view of happiness and success.

-Peace